Your Brain in Love

Whitney Hopler

Editor's Note: The following is a report on the practical applications of Dr. Earl Henslin's book, This is Your Brain in Love: New Scientific Breakthroughs for a More Passionate and Emotionally Healthy Marriage, (Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2009).

Although many couples simply expect passion to fade out of their marriages, that's not an inevitable fate. You and your spouse can experience lasting passion together if you understand how each of your brains work, and how to use that knowledge to keep passion alive in your relationship.

Here's how you can experience lasting passion in your marriage:

Recognize that your brain affects your relationships. When your brain is troubled, you tend to sabotage your relationships as you struggle with challenges like moodiness, anger, and inattentiveness. But when your brain is working correctly, you tend to invest well in your relationships through qualities like thoughtfulness, caring, and reliability.

Refuel your brain with the chemicals of love. Combining sexuality and spirituality - enjoying sex as a sacrament - floods you and your spouse's brains with hormones that make you feel more in love with each other. When you make love as a holy act together, your brain chemistry strengthens your bond as husband and wife.

Bring your best brain to your marriage. Both you and your spouse should try to balance your brain chemistry in healthy ways to make your marriage the best it can be. Consider getting a brain scan done by a qualified neurologist who can explain the results and suggest treatments. But you can start by observing behavior patterns that you and your spouse often notice each other display, and identify what emotions lurk behind those behaviors. If you can normalize your emotions by balancing your brains, your marriage will be much stronger than it would be otherwise. In fact, the problems that you may be seeking marital therapy for now may evaporate, making therapy unnecessary.

Heal if you're a scattered lover. A scattered lover (one with high amounts of energy who is often absent-minded) may be suffering from brain problems in the prefrontal cortex. Some possible treatments: Eat frequent meals and snacks to help you focus throughout each day. Use fish oil supplements. Get intense aerobic exercise for 30 to 45 minutes daily. Try to avoid distractions whenever possible. Make a daily to-do list. Give yourself a lot of extra time to get ready to go to appointments, and develop strategies that help you be on time. Allow time to rest between activities. Limit your screen time (on the computer, watching TV, etc.). Notice what time of the day is easiest for you to concentrate, and plan to use those times to have significant conversations with your spouse.

Heal if you're an over-focused lover. An over-focused lover (one with controlling thoughts) may be suffering from brain problems in the cingulated gyrus. Some possible treatments: Eat some carbohydrates to get extra serotonin (a relaxing neurotransmitter) to your brain. Take a supplement like St. John's Wort. Ask your doctor about prescribing a medication that increases the amount of serotonin in your brain. Talk to yourself in soothing ways, reminding yourself to relax and let go. Do some type of physical activity (like walking) to break up thoughts that loop around your mind and help you shift to a happier mental state. Regularly remind yourself of the good that your spouse has brought into your life, and let your gratitude help motivate you to forgive your spouse when he or she hurts you. Breathe deeply. Broaden your visual focus on what you see around you, since that will broaden your perspective on your circumstances, as well. Take a mental vacation to an island for renewal. Every day, tell God that you're giving up your own agenda and welcoming His plans for you.

Heal if you're a blue mood lover. A blue mood lover (one who is sad or depressed) may be suffering from brain problems in the deep limbic system. Some possible treatments: Do some meaningful physical labor, preferably outdoors (from gardening to working on your car) to elevate your mood. Eat frequent meals and snacks to keep your blood sugar levels steady and your energy up. Take a supplement like fish oil. Ask your doctor about prescribing antidepressant medication. Go outside each day to get some natural sunlight if possible, and consider using a therapeutic lamp indoors. Laugh as often as you can. Make love with your spouse regularly. Create an environment that fosters bright moods, such as by playing joyful music while you do household chores and decorating with colors that make you feel cheerful. Make your home, workplace, and car as attractive as possible, since being around beauty will elevate your mood. Avoid making any major decisions (especially in your marriage) until you feel better, since depression seriously skews your perspective on people and situations.

Heal if you're an agitated lover. An agitated lover (one who is easily angered or irritated) may be suffering from brain problems in the temporal lobes. Some possible treatments: Ask your doctor about prescribing appropriate medications. Take a supplement like fish oil. Avoid sugar in your diet as much as possible, since it leads to low blood sugar, which leads to aggressiveness. Play classical music to calm down. Go dancing with your spouse, because the combination of movement and music calms your brain. Get seven to nine hours of deep, restful sleep every night. Use a biofeedback device to manage your stress. Take anger management classes. Celebrate the good memories you have each day to turn negative thoughts into positive ones.

Heal if you're an anxious lover. An anxious lover (one who is panicked or fearful) may be suffering from brain problems in the basil ganglia. Recognize that you have the power to control your anxiety through techniques such as adding something familiar to an uncomfortable situation to make you feel more comfortable. Turn your worries into prayers. Question your anxious thoughts, asking yourself: "Is there another way to think about the same situation that might be more true, kind, uplifting, or positive?" Focus your attention on the area of your body that feels most anxious, and imagine a warm, healing light melting it away. Talk through an issue that's bothering you with a friend. Consider adopting a pet, since studies have shown that they help people reduce their anxiety levels. Exercise. Take a bath. Get a massage. Drink some hot tea. Use calming nutrition and supplements, and consider anti-anxiety medications.

Practice key behaviors toward your spouse. Show your spouse kindness, patience, forgiveness, and honesty as often as you can. When you make these behaviors habits, you'll fuel the flames of passion in your marriage.

What Do Men Think of Modesty?

Kristin Chesemore

Kristin: Two weeks ago, we began our series from 1 Timothy 2:9-10 by considering the attitude behind the clothes we wear. Fashion that honors God comes from a heart of "modesty and self-control," and modesty is humility expressed in dress.

As for the appearance of the modest woman, we learned that she is to "adorn [herself] with respectable apparel." Not that it is wrong to look attractive! We learned that the essence of our desire to beautify actually comes from God. However, seductive, ostentatious dress is dishonoring to our Savior.

Today, we continue to focus on the appearance of the modest woman and one reason why it is so significant: it protects our brothers in Christ from temptation and sin. As my sister Nicole wrote in the book Girl Talk:

"Women are sometimes ignorant of the effect of their bodies on the eyes and hearts of men. But, for the most part, if we're honest, we'll admit that we know exactly what we're doing. We enjoy the attention of guys. As a pastor-friend of ours once remarked, ‘Guys lust and girls want to be lusted after.'"

To instruct all those who might be ignorant, and to remind the rest of us, I want you to hear from the guys themselves. Here are two young men sharing their struggle with lust. Let's call them "Kevin" and "Jack." I know they speak for the majority of godly men today.

Kevin: "Each and every day is a battle—a battle against my sin, a battle against temptation, a battle against my depraved mind. Every morning I have to cry out for mercy, strength, and a renewed conviction to flee youthful lusts. The Spirit is faithful to bring me the renewal I need to prepare me to do war against my sin, yet the temptation still exists.

"Sometimes, when I see a girl provocatively dressed, I'll say to myself, ‘She probably doesn't know that a hundred and one guys are going to devour her in their minds today. But then again, maybe she does.' To be honest, I don't know the truth—the truth of why she chooses to dress the way she does. All I know is that the way she presents herself to the world is bait for my sinful mind to latch onto and I need to avoid it at all costs.

"For the most part, the church serves as a sanctuary from the continual barrage of temptation towards sin. However, the church's members are not free from sin yet, and there are girls both ignorant and knowledgeable of men's sinful tendencies. I must confess that even church can have several mines scattered about."

Jack: "The one place where I might think I wouldn't have to face as much temptation is at church, but this is not always the case. When ladies whom I'm friends with dress immodestly, it definitely has a negative effect on our friendship. When a woman dresses immodestly it makes it difficult to see her as a sister in Christ. There is a constant battle going on as I'm talking with her. Communication becomes more difficult as I'm trying to listen to her, because I'm trying to fight temptation."

Here's what these young men say about women who do dress modestly. Hear the appreciation in their words:

Jack: "I am so grateful for the friendships that God has given me with the ladies in my church. I am so appreciative of the sacrifices that these ladies make to glorify God and to serve and care for the guys. I heard of one girl who went shopping and really liked the shirt she was trying on. But then she thought, ‘No, I can't do this to the guys.' That was the first time I had ever heard of anything like that and it made me so grateful. It is such a blessing to have friends who care for me enough to be selfless and sacrifice what might look attractive in order to help me and other guys with sexual lust. When ladies dress modestly, it's attractive and makes me want to hang out with them more. I think modesty is so attractive in friendships because it makes it easier for a friendship to be centered around God and for fellowship to be unhindered."

Kevin: "To the girls who don't follow the pattern of the world: thank you a million times over. You are following Scripture's commands and helping your brothers in the process. Despite all that godly men are doing to defeat the sin of lust, they still need help, and they need you to provide it."

The appeals of these young men striving for holiness pierce my heart in a unique way. Perhaps it's because I'm the mother of three young boys—boys who will become men someday and will undoubtedly face the same temptation to lust.

So, ladies, let's take to heart the temptations and pleas for help from Jack and Kevin--to serve the men today, and the young boys who will become men tomorrow.