My New RVs

I love to travel. I have a dream to travel around the world someday. I bought the new RVs to accompany me while traveling. The room in my new RVs is spacious and complete. It made me feel comfort when I traveling with my whole family. Hum, I will bring my RVs to travel every where. I am sure that's will really fun!

Mommy Bloggers

This morning I found a unique bloggers community on the internet. Its name is mommy bloggers. This community is a website that connects women bloggers, including mom bloggers, product reviewers, fashionistas, techies and others, with the public relations and marketing professionals who issue the news and promote the products that women care about most. Hum, you should join to this community if you are women ;).

You will have to join on Beezmap if you have high creativity

Collage

Avatar

Wardrobe

You will have to join on Beezmap if you have high creativity. Beezmap is a multi-media SOCIAL CONTENT site. You can create online collages, avatar and wardrobe, communities and blogs, and feel free to add media such as mp3, video and image there. You can also share your creation from this site to your favorite social sites such as Facebook and MySpace. Do not miss it! That site is really fun!

Finally, Vita and Erfan got married!

Finally, Vita and Erfan got married! I attended to their wedding reception last week. The wedding reception is extremely interesting packed. The guests were entertained with dances, country wedding music, various foods and pre-wedding video from the bride and groom. Och, they are so romantic and really make me jealous :p. The atmosphere of their wedding reception were really full of love.

The Kreio Outerwear

Cool...finally I see quality outerwear hitting the fashion floor ^o^

I just ran into my friend who is a fashionista and picked out a luxury Kreio outerwear piece made out of Piacenza cashmere. She was all decked out in Kreio fashion last night.

She picked up Kreio at Neiman’s and loved all the different colors and different styles. She loved her Kreiotreo ;).

She had to pick up a ski style as well. She actually looked thinner and sexier in the KREIO outerwear. That's incredible!

The Kreio brand is hot and all the outerwear is like a second skin or a women’s blazer.

Throw out the sweaters most of them are insulated too with Thermore! Kreio is super luxury and the cashmere collection for Kreio is like butter!!

Kreio really out did themselves with that cashmere quality. The Kreio outerwear fit is killer!

I don’t feel like the Michelin man walking down the street anymore!! She was decked out in Kreio style last night in the city, so I was a little jealous and went to Neiman’s and picked out a Kreio outerwear piece like her!

My blogs ^o^

Semua blog dibawah ini, terindikasi kepunyaan hanya satu orang! :p

Siapa dia?

Jreng...jreng...

Dia adalah Angelina Kusuma alias Enjie wkwkwk =))

*Busyet deh, ternyata gue udah 'nyampah' segitu banyak di Internet ye :p

1. City of Enjie @Multiply
2. Angelina Kusuma @Blogspot
3. Daily of Enjie @Blogspot
4. Anime Storage @Blogspot
5. Fesyen Gaya @Blogspot
6. The Best World of Love @Blogspot
7. The Side World @ Blogspot
8. 1 Corinthians 13 - Love @Blogspot
9. City of Enjie @ Blogspot
10. Eenjiee @ Multiply
11. Enjie Anggie @Friendster
12. Ide-ide Wirausaha @Blogspot
13. Info Beasiswa Populer @ Blogspot
14. Angelnet Ponorogo @Blogspot
15. City of Enjie @Vox
16. Enjie @Otofriends
17. Angelina Kusuma @Comeze
18. Fesyen Gaya @Wordpress


Tapi ga semuanya blog itu up date seh. Dari segitu banyaknya blog yang gue bikin, Cityofenjie @Multiply and Angelinakusuma @Blogspot adalah 'nyawa' utamanya. Yang lain-lain, iseng doang ngisinya :p.

Dulu pertama kali gue nge-blog, bikinnya di Friendster. Trus kenal Fay alias Fifi Sunari yang punya seabrek-abrek blog, gw jadi ikut-ikutan punya banyak blog juga deh :D.

*Kayaknya si Fay punya lebih banyak blog dari gue deh. Lha, gue aja yang 'anak buah'-nya punya 18 blog, apelagi 'suhu'-nya yak? wkwkwk.

Ada yang inget alamat blog-blog gue yang lainnya? Laporin ke gue ya! Mungkin ada yang kelupaan gue tulis di daftar ini hahaha =)).

Erkin Bekbolotov

I like jazz. This music makes me feel relaxed and peaceful. After working for a day I usually listen to jazz while resting at home. A jazz harmony always makes my tired gone!

I'm looking for information about the latest jazz on the internet once a week before deciding to buy a jazz album that I desire. And today I found "It Amazes Me", a solid jazz album with a mix of traditional and post bop. Well, it seems so nice.

The discovery of this news made me read the article more deeply. The album "It amazes me" by Bob Mover was produced by Erkin Bekbolotov. He is a music producer, businessman, and philanthropist. Wow, I think Erkin Bekbolotov is also a great man.

He Said-She Said: The Desires of Your Heart

Cliff Young & Laura MacCorkle

EDITOR'S NOTE: Each He Said-She Said column features a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you've got a question about anything related to singleness, please click here to submit (selected questions will be posted anonymously).

QUESTION: I keep coming across Psalm 37:4 that says, "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." I am 43, and I did not have the desire to be married until I accepted the Lord back in '05. From that point on I have wanted to be in a Christian marriage with a God-fearing man. I came to the conclusion that it was not God's will for me to be single, and I have asked him to make his desires for my life my desires and to take away the desires I have that aren't his will for me. It's been two years since my last relationship, and I'm still single with that same desire for marriage—only it is stronger than before. At what point will I know if this desire is from the Lord or my flesh?

HE SAID: This is a great question and one many of us have probably pondered or asked ourselves at some point in our lives—"How do I know if the desires I have are from the Lord or from my flesh?" I go to church, study my Bible, seek wise, godly counsel and pray, yet, at times, I still can't distinguish what the origin of my desire is.

As we search for answers, we can sometimes make the mistake of reading into a situation thinking it must be God's will since "it" hasn't happened yet.

• If God wanted me to be happy, I'd be happy.
• If God's wish for me was to be healed, I'd be healed.
• If God's desire for me was to be married, I'd be married.

Don't fall into the trap of living your life as negative "absolutes" (or the "Eeyore syndrome"). This is part of the enemy's plan to distract us, discourage us, and not live our lives focusing on the goodness of God.

In our search for a biblical perspective to this and other questions, we must be careful to always read a passage as written and in context. Psalm 37:4 does not say, "He will bring you the desires of your heart so delight in the Lord," but rather, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

It's easy to skip to the latter part of this verse since that's where the "good stuff" is—when WE receive the desires of our heart. However, oftentimes we never get to that part because we are searching with the wrong wants and motives and not living for him.

Preceding and following Psalm 37:4, the Bible says, "Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper" (verse 3); "Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him and he will help you." (verse 5).

These are conditional statements. Trust and do, then… Commit, trust and (then) he will…. We must be obedient to his Word (period) and he will decide the rest. I used to read the Bible as a contractual partnership between me and God. If I do this, then he will do what I want. He (and "it") doesn't work like that.

The Bible says we are to trust him, do good, delight ourselves in him, commit everything we do to him, then we will live safely and prosper, then he will bring you the desires of your heart, then he will help you.

When I look at my life and think, I'm not married, my response is not "God wants me to be single," but rather God wants me to still do something—I need to trust him more, I need to do more good, I need to commit more of what I do to him, I need to be more obedient, I need to learn something, maybe my future spouse needs to work on herself or God is protecting me from something at this time.

He has given me the desire to be married since I was young and I don't believe he gives a desire, takes it away and then maybe gives it back. He is not a wishy-washy God.

I believe most Christians probably want what God wants for them, but often in their own time frame and as long as they have final approval. However, if we learn to be more obedient, love him more, love others more, we will grow closer to understanding who he is and begin to discern what his desires are for us.

If we focus and live our life in order to delight in the Lord first (instead of ourselves), our desires will be in line with God's desires, which will be his unimaginable best for our life.


SHE SAID: Finally. An easy question to answer! (Just kidding. Really.) This is a tough one, and I don't think you are alone in asking it. I think many of us have wondered if a particular desire is from the Lord or is just something of our own making.

I believe that if we are seeking God's will for our lives, that he will shape our desires and direct our hearts toward what he wants us to yearn for, to be excited about or ultimately to do in our lives (Proverbs 3:5-6). But when it comes to timing, it's a bit of a mystery, isn't it? God works in ways that are many times not expected and other times are just not very understandable at all to you and I (or to our family or friends who may be praying right along with us for whatever we are desirous of in our lives).

When I think of someone in the Bible who greatly desired something and prayed and waited and waited and waited, I immediately think of Hannah (1 Samuel 1). In this case, while her desire was not for marriage but for a child, I think we can still learn from her example.

What made Hannah's circumstances difficult was the fact that her husband Elkanah was married not only to Hannah but to Peninnah—and Penninah had children, while Hannah had none. I am sure this must have been frustrating for Hannah to see a picture of motherhood right in front of her day after day after day. Also, the Bible tells us that Penninah "kept provoking her in order to irritate her." So, imagine that, if you will. What if you had a close girlfriend (or a sister or another female relative) who had recently gotten married and not so kindly kept reminding you of the fact that she is married and you are not? How would you feel? Would you be disheartened? Would you give up?

Hannah's suffering at the hand of her rival continued, year after year. Her husband even tried to comfort her. "Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don't you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?" We also read how Hannah poured out her heart to the Lord in the temple. And then later, we see that Hannah did conceive and gave birth to a son named Samuel whom she dedicated to the Lord (just as she had promised she would do).

So what can we, as singles, take away from Hannah?

• She had a strong desire, and she didn't discount it or ignore it.
• She endured suffering and didn't retaliate.
• She continually brought her requests to the Lord.
• She poured out her heart, she wept and she was honest.
• She gave what she wanted (and was given) right back to God for his purposes and his glory.

Just like wanting to have a child, marriage is a wonderful thing to desire. It is natural, it is healthy and it is created by God (purposed not for our "happiness" but to refine us and to glorify him—Ephesians 5:21-33). But while holding on to this desire and seeking God's will for our lives, circumstances might not always be the best and people might not always be kind or sensitive or considerate when you desire something in your life and have not yet seen it come to fruition.

I don't know all the particulars of your situation, but I would be surprised if you were not surrounded by other women who are either already married or are engaged or are at least in promising dating relationships. This can be hard for single women who also desire marriage to be amongst other women who have seemingly easily attained what you desire. It can also be discouraging when those who are married may not be sensitive in their interactions with those who are not. "Why don't you try this?" Or "This worked for me, so you should do it, too." Or how about, "You'll never find a man if you don't ________." Ever heard any of those "suggestions"? Whether they are meant to "help" or to provoke, they can be hard for a single woman to hear and to receive graciously. (And I imagine that infertile women—and/or their husbands—who desire to have children and must endure insensitive comments or invasive questioning might feel the same way, too.)

Again, I'm just speculating. But as one single woman to another, I imagine that you might have also experienced these things or have felt this way, too. Also, in our day and age, if you are not married by a certain age (say, sometime in your mid to late 30s?) then people start to wonder. "What's wrong with you?" "Have you worked through your issues?" "You're too picky." "You have to put yourself out there." "Why don't you ask him out?" "You're not getting any younger." "Your options are only dwindling." And so forth.

The flip side of this could be comments like "You should stop focusing on what you don't have and count your blessings!" Or "At least you're not in a loveless marriage!" Or maybe "Marriage doesn't equal happiness and won't solve all of your problems!" Yes, those are all very true perspectives. But wouldn't it be nice to have someone just give you a virtual hug by acknowledging your suffering and validating whatever loss you are feeling in your life? That's the kind of friend I want when I'm hurting and feeling discouraged—someone who might say:

"I know this must be hard for you to have such a strong desire to marry but are waiting for what seems like forever on God's timing and it's hard to understand what he is doing. I want you to know that I'm here for you, and you can cry on my shoulder. I will continue to pray for you that you will be encouraged and will trust in God and that he will comfort you when you feel alone and give you peace in the midst of your struggle."

Amen? You know, I read in one commentary that during Hannah's time, it was seen as a curse from God if a Hebrew man's wife could not conceive a son (as in, who would carry on the family name?). Also, it was seen as a curse when a woman was barren. So it sounds like Hannah was feeling the societal and cultural pressures that you might be feeling as well. And like you may be doing today, she grieved for something she wished she had in her life, too.

How long, oh Lord? How long?

I don't know "the point" when you will know. But whether God keeps this desire for marriage in your heart or whether he dissipates it, or fashions it into a new desire for something else, you must keep your eyes focused on him and you must be honest with what is going on in your heart (don't ignore it, don't negate it, just give it to God).

"Father, I desire to marry and at times feel discouraged about it. But for now, please show me how you want me to live today. What do you want me to learn? How can I make a difference in the lives of others? Show me how to give my life to you, so that you may use me for your purposes and your glory wherever you have positioned me today."

Believe me, I know that keeping a perspective like that is not easy. You don't just pray one prayer and … poof! … you no longer ever struggle or question or feel bitter about something you desire for your life. We must daily turn our minds to Christ, yield our lives and ask him to help us focus on him and not our circumstances.

One final note: For further reading, may I recommend John MacArthur's Twelve Extraordinary Women? The chapter on Hannah ("Hannah: A Portrait of Feminine Grace")—in addition to the other 11 that explore the lives of some amazing, faithful women of the Bible—are encouraging, enlightening and will hopefully remind you that you are not alone in your questions, your situation or your desires in this life.

Your Brain in Love

Whitney Hopler

Editor's Note: The following is a report on the practical applications of Dr. Earl Henslin's book, This is Your Brain in Love: New Scientific Breakthroughs for a More Passionate and Emotionally Healthy Marriage, (Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2009).

Although many couples simply expect passion to fade out of their marriages, that's not an inevitable fate. You and your spouse can experience lasting passion together if you understand how each of your brains work, and how to use that knowledge to keep passion alive in your relationship.

Here's how you can experience lasting passion in your marriage:

Recognize that your brain affects your relationships. When your brain is troubled, you tend to sabotage your relationships as you struggle with challenges like moodiness, anger, and inattentiveness. But when your brain is working correctly, you tend to invest well in your relationships through qualities like thoughtfulness, caring, and reliability.

Refuel your brain with the chemicals of love. Combining sexuality and spirituality - enjoying sex as a sacrament - floods you and your spouse's brains with hormones that make you feel more in love with each other. When you make love as a holy act together, your brain chemistry strengthens your bond as husband and wife.

Bring your best brain to your marriage. Both you and your spouse should try to balance your brain chemistry in healthy ways to make your marriage the best it can be. Consider getting a brain scan done by a qualified neurologist who can explain the results and suggest treatments. But you can start by observing behavior patterns that you and your spouse often notice each other display, and identify what emotions lurk behind those behaviors. If you can normalize your emotions by balancing your brains, your marriage will be much stronger than it would be otherwise. In fact, the problems that you may be seeking marital therapy for now may evaporate, making therapy unnecessary.

Heal if you're a scattered lover. A scattered lover (one with high amounts of energy who is often absent-minded) may be suffering from brain problems in the prefrontal cortex. Some possible treatments: Eat frequent meals and snacks to help you focus throughout each day. Use fish oil supplements. Get intense aerobic exercise for 30 to 45 minutes daily. Try to avoid distractions whenever possible. Make a daily to-do list. Give yourself a lot of extra time to get ready to go to appointments, and develop strategies that help you be on time. Allow time to rest between activities. Limit your screen time (on the computer, watching TV, etc.). Notice what time of the day is easiest for you to concentrate, and plan to use those times to have significant conversations with your spouse.

Heal if you're an over-focused lover. An over-focused lover (one with controlling thoughts) may be suffering from brain problems in the cingulated gyrus. Some possible treatments: Eat some carbohydrates to get extra serotonin (a relaxing neurotransmitter) to your brain. Take a supplement like St. John's Wort. Ask your doctor about prescribing a medication that increases the amount of serotonin in your brain. Talk to yourself in soothing ways, reminding yourself to relax and let go. Do some type of physical activity (like walking) to break up thoughts that loop around your mind and help you shift to a happier mental state. Regularly remind yourself of the good that your spouse has brought into your life, and let your gratitude help motivate you to forgive your spouse when he or she hurts you. Breathe deeply. Broaden your visual focus on what you see around you, since that will broaden your perspective on your circumstances, as well. Take a mental vacation to an island for renewal. Every day, tell God that you're giving up your own agenda and welcoming His plans for you.

Heal if you're a blue mood lover. A blue mood lover (one who is sad or depressed) may be suffering from brain problems in the deep limbic system. Some possible treatments: Do some meaningful physical labor, preferably outdoors (from gardening to working on your car) to elevate your mood. Eat frequent meals and snacks to keep your blood sugar levels steady and your energy up. Take a supplement like fish oil. Ask your doctor about prescribing antidepressant medication. Go outside each day to get some natural sunlight if possible, and consider using a therapeutic lamp indoors. Laugh as often as you can. Make love with your spouse regularly. Create an environment that fosters bright moods, such as by playing joyful music while you do household chores and decorating with colors that make you feel cheerful. Make your home, workplace, and car as attractive as possible, since being around beauty will elevate your mood. Avoid making any major decisions (especially in your marriage) until you feel better, since depression seriously skews your perspective on people and situations.

Heal if you're an agitated lover. An agitated lover (one who is easily angered or irritated) may be suffering from brain problems in the temporal lobes. Some possible treatments: Ask your doctor about prescribing appropriate medications. Take a supplement like fish oil. Avoid sugar in your diet as much as possible, since it leads to low blood sugar, which leads to aggressiveness. Play classical music to calm down. Go dancing with your spouse, because the combination of movement and music calms your brain. Get seven to nine hours of deep, restful sleep every night. Use a biofeedback device to manage your stress. Take anger management classes. Celebrate the good memories you have each day to turn negative thoughts into positive ones.

Heal if you're an anxious lover. An anxious lover (one who is panicked or fearful) may be suffering from brain problems in the basil ganglia. Recognize that you have the power to control your anxiety through techniques such as adding something familiar to an uncomfortable situation to make you feel more comfortable. Turn your worries into prayers. Question your anxious thoughts, asking yourself: "Is there another way to think about the same situation that might be more true, kind, uplifting, or positive?" Focus your attention on the area of your body that feels most anxious, and imagine a warm, healing light melting it away. Talk through an issue that's bothering you with a friend. Consider adopting a pet, since studies have shown that they help people reduce their anxiety levels. Exercise. Take a bath. Get a massage. Drink some hot tea. Use calming nutrition and supplements, and consider anti-anxiety medications.

Practice key behaviors toward your spouse. Show your spouse kindness, patience, forgiveness, and honesty as often as you can. When you make these behaviors habits, you'll fuel the flames of passion in your marriage.

What Do Men Think of Modesty?

Kristin Chesemore

Kristin: Two weeks ago, we began our series from 1 Timothy 2:9-10 by considering the attitude behind the clothes we wear. Fashion that honors God comes from a heart of "modesty and self-control," and modesty is humility expressed in dress.

As for the appearance of the modest woman, we learned that she is to "adorn [herself] with respectable apparel." Not that it is wrong to look attractive! We learned that the essence of our desire to beautify actually comes from God. However, seductive, ostentatious dress is dishonoring to our Savior.

Today, we continue to focus on the appearance of the modest woman and one reason why it is so significant: it protects our brothers in Christ from temptation and sin. As my sister Nicole wrote in the book Girl Talk:

"Women are sometimes ignorant of the effect of their bodies on the eyes and hearts of men. But, for the most part, if we're honest, we'll admit that we know exactly what we're doing. We enjoy the attention of guys. As a pastor-friend of ours once remarked, ‘Guys lust and girls want to be lusted after.'"

To instruct all those who might be ignorant, and to remind the rest of us, I want you to hear from the guys themselves. Here are two young men sharing their struggle with lust. Let's call them "Kevin" and "Jack." I know they speak for the majority of godly men today.

Kevin: "Each and every day is a battle—a battle against my sin, a battle against temptation, a battle against my depraved mind. Every morning I have to cry out for mercy, strength, and a renewed conviction to flee youthful lusts. The Spirit is faithful to bring me the renewal I need to prepare me to do war against my sin, yet the temptation still exists.

"Sometimes, when I see a girl provocatively dressed, I'll say to myself, ‘She probably doesn't know that a hundred and one guys are going to devour her in their minds today. But then again, maybe she does.' To be honest, I don't know the truth—the truth of why she chooses to dress the way she does. All I know is that the way she presents herself to the world is bait for my sinful mind to latch onto and I need to avoid it at all costs.

"For the most part, the church serves as a sanctuary from the continual barrage of temptation towards sin. However, the church's members are not free from sin yet, and there are girls both ignorant and knowledgeable of men's sinful tendencies. I must confess that even church can have several mines scattered about."

Jack: "The one place where I might think I wouldn't have to face as much temptation is at church, but this is not always the case. When ladies whom I'm friends with dress immodestly, it definitely has a negative effect on our friendship. When a woman dresses immodestly it makes it difficult to see her as a sister in Christ. There is a constant battle going on as I'm talking with her. Communication becomes more difficult as I'm trying to listen to her, because I'm trying to fight temptation."

Here's what these young men say about women who do dress modestly. Hear the appreciation in their words:

Jack: "I am so grateful for the friendships that God has given me with the ladies in my church. I am so appreciative of the sacrifices that these ladies make to glorify God and to serve and care for the guys. I heard of one girl who went shopping and really liked the shirt she was trying on. But then she thought, ‘No, I can't do this to the guys.' That was the first time I had ever heard of anything like that and it made me so grateful. It is such a blessing to have friends who care for me enough to be selfless and sacrifice what might look attractive in order to help me and other guys with sexual lust. When ladies dress modestly, it's attractive and makes me want to hang out with them more. I think modesty is so attractive in friendships because it makes it easier for a friendship to be centered around God and for fellowship to be unhindered."

Kevin: "To the girls who don't follow the pattern of the world: thank you a million times over. You are following Scripture's commands and helping your brothers in the process. Despite all that godly men are doing to defeat the sin of lust, they still need help, and they need you to provide it."

The appeals of these young men striving for holiness pierce my heart in a unique way. Perhaps it's because I'm the mother of three young boys—boys who will become men someday and will undoubtedly face the same temptation to lust.

So, ladies, let's take to heart the temptations and pleas for help from Jack and Kevin--to serve the men today, and the young boys who will become men tomorrow.

Should You Get Engaged?

By Dave Gudgel

Thirty-two years ago I asked the question before the question. Recently my two sons did the same. Every year 2.3 million couples ask the same question. Though the question can be asked in as little as four words — "Should I get engaged?" — the potential impact is huge. That's why if you're currently considering asking or answering the "Would you marry me?" question, you need to be absolutely sure you're ready before you get engaged.

When I faced the question before the question, I wasn't completely sure if I was ready for engagement. So I asked one of my pastor friends if he thought I should ask Bernice to marry me. He was the pastor you went to when you needed some expert fatherly advice. And he knew Bernice and me both very well.

Jim's answer to my "Should I get engaged?" question was direct and simple. "Dave, you'd be crazy not to ask Bernice to marry you."

Shortly after that, I did pop the question. And in a moment of weakness, Bernice said "yes." I guess her answer was a miracle for me and a moment of insanity for her! Looking back I'm so grateful I popped the question.

Unlike others who also popped the question, but have lived to regret it.

Some years ago Ann Landers reported the results of an informal poll she took among her readers. She asked, "If you had it to do all over again, would you marry the same person?" Shockingly, 70 percent of her readers replied no, they would not marry the person they had married. To me that's tragic, but it's also preventable by carefully considering the top five signs that will help you determine if you're ready to pop (or say yes to) the question.

Would You Marry You?

A dating or engagement relationship, or ultimately a marriage, is only as healthy as the individuals in it. Relational health is vitally connected to individual health. It begins with you. That's why you need to first ask yourself "Would you marry you?" before you ask "Will you marry me?"

When my son, Brent, was contemplating his personal readiness for marriage he wrote, "It's a huge question. Would I marry myself or want someone to marry me? Am I ready to get married? 'Cause if not, I need to know now and I need to figure out how to get ready."

According to Jesus, your personal and relational health is vitally connected to the health of your relationship with God, others, and yourself (Mark 12:30-31). If your vertical relationship with God is healthy, your life will be surrendered to doing His will. If your horizontal relationship with others is healthy, your life will reflect acts of sacrifice. If your inward relationship is healthy, you'll see signs of stability in your mental and emotional makeup.

Shortly after I finished high school, I made an intentional decision to take a year to focus on getting my act together. Academically, I wasn't achieving my potential. Vocationally, I needed to determine the career path I would pursue. Socially, I needed to make some firm commitments to the relational standards and values I was going to live by. Suffice it to say, my personal life had several rough edges on it that needed focused attention.

Now as I look back, I'm so grateful for the decisions and changes I made during my freshman year of college. I began moving in the right direction toward becoming a better, healthier person. In fact, the year following my personal makeover work, Bernice and I began dating which eventually led to a great marriage.

Healthy marriages are built on healthy individuals. Not perfect individuals (we all have issues!), but individuals who are moving in a healthy direction. If you can't say, "I'd marry me" then you need to start getting your life together before you get engaged.

Are You All Dated Out?

If you get married before you're done dating, you'll be susceptible to past and future dating dangers. You can be burned by an old flame or fall into a new fling. Marriage is meant to be a one-man-one-woman "till death do us part" unconditional commitment — for life! Without this kind of lifelong commitment, you could find yourself with regrets like Trisha.

Three months after Trisha married, she told her mother, "I wish I wasn't married. I want to be able to hang out with my friends and meet new guys. I feel like I made a big mistake marrying Rick and now I'm stuck."

Unfortunately, Trisha's statement reflects two common dating dangers. First, the view that dating is all about me. To gratify my desires. To fulfill my wants. My needs. And without a dating focus shift from me to you, you can fall into a second dating danger — endless spousal shopping. Stuck in the belief that somewhere out there is a perfect person who will satisfy you, you keep on shopping. You keep playing the game and looking for the "perfect" person.

If you, like Trish, are a person who still enjoys the whole meeting-flirting-dating scene, you may need to examine your motives and reasons for dating. Anyone who is truly done dating is ready to make a selfless commitment to one person for life.

Do You Make A Good Couple?

The idea of a couple marrying because they complement each other isn't an insignificant sidelight. It's an essential consideration and legitimate reason for marriage. In fact, it's at the heart of why God created a man and woman to enjoy life together.

From the beginning of time, God said, "It's not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him" (Gen. 2:18). God created a man and woman to complement each other — in body, soul and spirit. Together they can do more and be more than they would if they lived life alone. Their differences and similarities mold them each into better people.

As I look at my life over the past 30 years, it's obvious I've needed a "helper." Just ask my kids and colleagues. My life has been so much better than it would have been had Bernice not been my wife. To this day, I know I owe most of my accomplishments in the home, work and community to God's incredible work through Bernice and the many ways she has complemented my life.

When I work with couples who are considering marriage, I encourage them to think about the ways their similarities and differences could add or subtract from their relationship. Core values, personality differences, likes and dislikes, spending habits — these areas and more are essential factors in relational harmony and success.

The Prophet Amos made this point when he asked, "Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?" (Amos 3:3) The obvious answer is no. This truth was at the heart of why Sharon decided to break off her pre-engagement relationship with Chad.

Sharon told me she realized if she married Chad, she would end up resenting him because the kind of life he wanted was so different from what she wanted. He wanted a very traditional, ordered life, but Sharon's life was very non-traditional. She loved variety and change and adventure. Chad wanted stability, sameness, predictability. When Sharon realized that God had created her and Chad with very different values and passions, she realized she couldn't marry him.

Are You Spiritually Connected?

It's not by mistake that when Paul wrote about selecting a prospective spouse, the one thing he chose to focus on was the spiritual connection. Paul clearly said that a follower of Christ must marry another follower of Christ. As he described it, the other person "must belong to the Lord" (1 Cor. 7:39).

Having been raised in a home where I saw firsthand the effects of spiritual disharmony, I'm in complete agreement with Paul. If you're a follower of Christ, marry another follower of Christ. Otherwise your life and your home will suffer from your differing spiritual beliefs. Take it from Stephanie who learned this the hard way.

"I know I should have never married him," Stephanie blurted out. "I knew what the Bible said about marrying an unbeliever, but I ignored it. I just figured it would all work out. Well it hasn't. I'm so frustrated. It's gotten to the point in our marriage now where he doesn't want me to go to church on Sunday. He says it's the only day we can have together as a family. But I want our two children to grow up in the church. So Pastor Dave, what should I do?"

As you can imagine, there's no easy answer to that question after you're already married and spiritually mismatched. You're better off making sure you have a strong spiritual connection before you get engaged. I'd urge you first to consider if you both have a relationship with Christ, then also take into account each other's spiritual beliefs, practices, and commitments. Each of these vital areas will have a huge impact on your marriage.

What Does Your Heart Say?

If you're considering getting engaged and your heart feels heavy, tense, confused, uneasy or pressured, you need to find out what's wrong. Something isn't right and it needs to be checked out. It's in your best interest not to ignore those feelings.

Peace will keep you out of a marital accident. Not just peace relationally, but peace emotionally. It's obvious you as a couple need to be at peace with each other. You need to get along. But internal emotional peace is also necessary. It's one of the key ways God reveals His will in our lives.

Colossians 3:15 says, "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace." When Paul used the word rule, he had in mind an umpire in athletic games who was the final authority. His point? Peace must be the final authority in your heart. Without it you could be making a mistake to play on.

I could hear the pain in Mark's voice when he said, "Not going through with my plan to ask Kim to marry me was the most difficult thing I have ever done." After 18 months of dating Kim, it looked like Mark was going to ask her to marry him. Everyone was expecting it. But instead, Mark ended up dropping a "we need to break-up" bomb, even after he had already bought the engagement ring.

When I asked Mark what his final determining reason was for not popping the question he said, "It really all boiled down to one thing. I didn't have peace about asking Kim to marry me. Even after I bought the ring, I felt like I was making a mistake, like it wasn't the right thing to do. I just didn't have peace about going through with it."

In addition to Mark's "trapped" feelings, there were several other factors that contributed to Mark's lack of peace. His friends and family weren't fully supportive. His finances were a mess. And when he considered whether or not marrying Kim was God's will, he had no clue.

Mark's lack of peace was more than just last minute wedding day butterflies. Having performed hundreds of weddings, I can say from experience that anxiety, sweaty palms, and even nausea are very common "last minute" subjective feelings. After all, getting married is a big commitment. You're going to feel something!

My concern is for the person like Mark whose lack of peace has been building over time and is directly connected to other objective factors. Negative feelings like these that are producing a lack of peace should not be ignored. I believe Mark's decision to not ask Kim to marry him was the right decision even though it was excruciatingly painful. He was smart to let the final authority in his heart make the final call.

If your heart is at peace about popping, or saying yes to, the question, I'm excited for you. It may be the final indicator you're ready for engagement and marriage.

Trust God to Turn Ugliness into Beauty in Your Life

By Whitney Hopler

You'll experience all kinds of ugly situations in this fallen world. But the more you learn to trust that God is in ultimate control of what you're going through, the more you'll see beauty emerge from the ugliness.

Here are some beautiful gifts that God will give you if you trust Him to transform ugly circumstances into something beautiful in your life:

The beauty of courage. You can always count on Jesus to help you overcome your fears. He doesn't come to get you out of the pain of life; He comes to live in you through it. Trust Jesus to empower you to handle even the worst situations well. Be confident that He is with you and you can rely on His strength to help you.

The beauty of brokenness. You can actually serve God in more powerful ways by being open with others about the brokenness in your life than you can by striving for perfection. Admit your weaknesses and mistakes, and ask God to use them to help others recognize Him at work as He helps you grow.

The beauty of transparency. Face the reality of what's true about yourself - including all the sin you're tempted to try to hide - and be honest with others about who you really are. Remember that God already knows everything about you, and He chooses to love you deeply. As you share your pain with others, bonds will develop between you that will draw you all closer to each other and God. As you trust that God truly loves you as you are, you'll be able to follow Him to amazing adventures.

The beauty of waiting and being present. When you're waiting for God to answer your prayers about something but don't see anything happening to encourage you, choose to trust that He is at work behind the scenes. Don't put your life on hold while you wait. Instead, live each day to the fullest, with the bold confidence that God still has good purposes for you to fulfill while you're waiting. Trust that God will answer your prayers in the right way at the right time.

The beauty of crying out to Jesus. When you feel as if God has abandoned you because He hasn't answered your prayers in the way you'd expected, don't despair. Choose to believe, no matter how your situation appears. Believe that God is poised to do what only He can do, and that He will help you do what you can do, to improve the situation according to what's best. Remember that God has designed you to live by faith and not by sight. Be honest with God about your pain and expect to do what's best from His perspective.

The beauty of seeing. Realize that there is absolutely nothing you can do to make God love you any more or less. Right now, just as you are, God loves you completely and unconditionally. Trust that God's love - expressed through Jesus' sacrifice on the cross for you - is all you need to face any situation.

The beauty of a quiet trust. Nothing done in Jesus' name is ever wasted. When you do acts of kindness and mercy that other people don't notice, God sees and treasures what you're doing. Trust that all God wants is your heart - a heart that truly loves Him and expresses it by living faithfully.

The beauty of taking a step forward. Don't worry about trying to do something well on your own. Instead, for each challenge you face, rely on God's unlimited power rather than on your own limited abilities. Trust that God will empower you to do anything that He calls you to do.

The beauty of forgiving. If you're harboring bitterness in your soul toward God because He has not made your dreams come true yet, choose to trust God's plans. Ask God to show you whether or not your dreams reflect His dreams for your life, which are sometimes greater than you can imagine. Decide to pursue God's dreams for you rather than just your own agenda. Trust God to make His dreams for you come true in just the right timing. When you let go of your grudges against God and pursue forgiveness, you'll discover the freedom you need to pursue His dreams for your life.

The beauty of a last chance. No matter how many mistakes you've already made, God will meet you where you are with forgiveness and the grace to grow when you turn to Him. It's never too late to place your trust in Him, as long as you're alive.

The beauty of giving your all. Trusting God is risky and costs a lot sometimes. But it's always worth it. Ask God to give you the strength you need to follow wherever He leads. The spiritual rewards you'll gain will far outweigh the sacrifices God asks you to make.

The beauty of a pilgrim. When God calls you to let go of what's familiar and move on to a new place or situation, be willing to trust Him enough to do so. Shift your focus from where you've been or where you're going on your journey of faith, to who you're becoming as a person in the process. Remember that what matters most isn't what assignments God gives you or how well you complete them, but what your heart is like in the midst of them. At the end of your journey on Earth, you'll have to give an account to Jesus of how you lived your life, why you made the choices you made, and what you held in your heart that only He could see. Trust Him fully in each day that He gives you, since that's what He cares about most.

Gentleness Isn't Being the "Nice Guy"

By Paul Coughlin

When Christian men hear or read about the virtue of gentleness, they often substitute this virtue with the vice of niceness. This is especially the case for younger Christian men, and the results can be deadly when it comes to love, marriage and fatherhood.

What is niceness? Niceness in many ways is a perverted form of gentleness. What does true gentleness look like? Genuine gentleness brings needed force into a situation or relationship, but it is a force that is moderate and kind in its presentation. Gentleness is respectful, but respectful enough to be truthful and at the same time gracious.

Niceness is often disguised as gentleness, but you can see the difference if you look closely. Mere “niceness” brings no redemptive power to a matter at hand, whether with a spouse, co-worker, or obnoxious coach who belittles and exasperates a child. The apostle Paul admonishes fathers not to exasperate their children (Ephesians 6:4). Christian men who focus on niceness try hard to fulfill this requirement but in many situations fail since a father’s lack of power frustrates and angers his children. Nice Christian men also fail to stop other fathers from exasperating their children because correcting another, may seem, well, not very nice. Due in part to their spiritual training, nice Christian men often double-exasperate children.

In many ways, the unstated goal of niceness is to say or do something without saying or doing anything truly meaningful. It favors manners over truth. Niceness is the drowning of force, the unwilling to use any. It is the state of being that has been defined for ages as "weak."

The understanding that a gentle man still wields force - albeit moderately - and with it power, is an eye-opening revelation to many of the Christian men at my conferences. Their spiritual training has them believing that gentleness means using no force at all - like niceness. This revelation often propels them into a better, though uncharted, direction.

When Is It Okay to be Forceful?

Learning to use the appropriate amount of force in any given situation takes time and a cultivation of virtue. Yes, the moderate use of force for redemptive purposes is a virtue, but please understand that it can also be a vice. Some situations in life demand setting aside even gentleness, requiring more than moderate levels of force. For example, a police officer who only uses moderate force may be a dangerous imposter when greater force is necessary to ensure peace and protection. By the way, if you trace the origin of the word virtue, as Dr. Henry Cloud has in his beneficial work Integrity, you'll see that one of its meanings is "force." Virtue brings energy and force to a situation. Niceness refuses the task, usually because of fear of rejection.

A man’s need to cultivate virtue brings us to another point: If the goal of Christian life is to imitate Jesus, then it’s important we have an accurate picture of Jesus. It's important we knock down, whenever possible, the anti-biblical and false idol of Pleasant and Mild Jesus, who we foolishly try to emulate. True, Jesus was gentle. But he was not always gentle, thank God. Moderate force cannot save us from wickedness, evil, addictions, the devious plans of others, or our own convenient rationalizations that bring numbing comfort but not true security. Sometimes the best thing a good person, or God, can do for us is to give the gift of desperation--something gentleness is ill-equipped to perform and something niceness never does.

I receive many letters from wives of Christian Nice Guys, explaining how heroic they’ve behaved in order to help their husbands be more involved, connected, and protective of their families. Yet no change has occurred. Sometimes the gift of desperation is the only option that works.

When you think about the people who are only gentle (or worse nice) in your life, how much do you trust them? Be honest. We trust people who know how to wield force and power in appropriate measures. Someone who is always gentle doesn’t do this, and we know this truth in our gut: 24/7 gentle people are not trustworthy of the more precious portions of our lives. This is another reason why when we worship God that we thank Him for giving us a good Savior, not a 24/7 gentle one.

The Necessity for Boldness in Family Life

Many Christian men entrust their spiritual advice to a band of men who are gentle but who also do not possess boldness and courage. I did this for a long time, and the advice I received during pivotal times in my life was earnest but only partially true. When the pressure’s on, earnestness isn’t good enough, and is far from wise counsel.

Let's make it more personal and less theoretical. Many Christian Nice Guys had gentle fathers, which was a blessing in many ways and a cursing wound in other ways if this is all the power they were willing to wield. We needed them to produce more force than what they were willing to produce on our behalf, as well as for our moms and siblings. I say "willing" instead of "able" because I believe that every man possesses the ability to create more assertive and aggressive acts of force but that these abilities have been perverted or have obstacles in their way. When the men in our families failed to be more than gentle, we were far more vulnerable to attack, misunderstandings, and disillusion regarding authority since one of our most intimate experiences with authority let us down.

Men like novelists Tobias Wolff and Donald Miller show us the neutered life of those who grow up without a father’s power because they had no father. They contain gripping accounts of male drifting, fecklessness, even wanderlust. A lack of male power can be just as wounding to women and children as a perverted or overabundant use of power - a wounding that radical feminism promotes today.

When men receive clarity regarding the difference between gentleness and niceness, they see that God gives them permission to be more forceful than they currently realize. Depression often lifts. Hope fills dry souls and spirits are enlivened. But then a fundamental question must soon be answered: Will I wield it for selfish gain, or as a warrior of light? The answer reveals what we love, and where we store our treasure.

1 Corinthians 13: Wisdom for Choosing a Good Spouse

By Kathy Collard Miller, D. Larry Miller, Larry Richards, Ph.D, Authors

Genesis 24:4 But will go to my country and my own relatives and get a wife for my son Isaac.

This story of Abraham, his servant, Rebekah, and Isaac is a beautiful account of a father who wanted the best for his son, a servant who honored his master and prayed for direction, a woman who was willing to go on an adventure, and a son who received the gift of a wise wife that his father provided. Each person trusted God, facing the challenges that came their way.

In his old age, Abraham sent his servant to find a bride for Isaac from among his relatives in the city of Nahor in the land of Mesopotamia. When the servant arrived there, pausing at a well, he prayed for God’s guidance and immediately met a very helpful woman named Rebekah, who offered to water his camels from the well. To his delight, he discovered that she was Abraham’s great-niece – the granddaughter of Abraham’s brother, Nahor. The servant proposed marriage to Rebekah and her family on Isaac’s behalf, and she left her family and country to become Isaac’s wife. When they were united, Isaac quickly fell in love with Rebekah.

How Others See It
David and Heather Kopp

“Isaac and Rebekah went on to have struggles in their marriage, mostly over their children. This doesn’t mean they were wrong for each other. It simply reminds us that even a marriage “made in heaven” must be lived out day-to-day on earth – with and in spite of our human shortcomings.”

The story of finding a wife for Isaac can also be viewed as an analogy for how God makes his children a bride for Christ. God the heavenly Father sent his Holy Spirit to the church so that it would become the bride of Christ. In like manner, God wants to guide each of his children to the spouse of his choosing.

Love Barometer: How Does Your Beloved Measure Up?

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

If you’re wondering what kind of spouse you’ll make or whether the fiancé or financee you love will be a good spouse, check out the wisdom of God’s basic description of love. He characterizes love in such a way that you can evaluate whether you’re giving and receiving true love.

How Others See It
William L. Coleman

Sometime when you are asking yourself what kind of a partner you will make, read 1 Cor. 13: 4-8. It is the world’s greatest description of love. Take a brief survey of what love does and apply it to your coming marriage.

Mary Welchel

Remember that when our emotions are involved in a situation, it’s very easy to lose perspective. Someone once told me, “Emotions and feelings have zero IQ,” and I think that’s a good thing to remember. You cannot trust your emotions. They’re dumb sometimes! Those juices get flowing, those romantic notions start whirling around in your head, and you can lose perspective in an instant.

“Love is blind,” someone once said, and actually, it’s true. When we’re dating and falling in love, we tend to overlook the characteristics of our loved one that could potentially create difficulty in our future marriage. We might think:

• ”Oh, they’ll change and become more patient.”
• ”It can’t really be bad to be jealous, can it?”
• ”He seems so insecure at times, but my love for him will overcome that.”
• ”She sometimes overreacts to my suggestions, but she means well.”

If negative characteristics are deeply seated in your spouse-to-be, you may be in for very difficult times.

If we’re wise, we will diminish the “love is blind” syndrome by comparing our potential spouse’s behavior to the characteristics of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Take each characteristic of love named in that passage and rate your future spouse on a scale of one to ten, with one being negative and ten being positive. Be aware: Assessments like these are difficult when struck with the love bug. You will need to think clearly, so pray beforehand, asking God to help you be honest and fair.

1 Corinthians Love Test

Love is patient

Love is kind

Love does not envy

Love does not boast

Love is not proud

Love is not rude

Love is not self-seeking

Love is not easily angered

Love keeps no record of wrongs

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres

Love never fails

If you rated your beloved a whopping 120 points, grab that person and run! If he or she scored between 84 and 119, you’ve got a great person. If your potential spouse’s score falls between 60 and 83, talk these weaknesses over with someone you trust – you could be heading into some struggles. If you rated your sweetheart 59 or below, you could be dealing with a very immature future spouse. Putting your relationship on hold so that you both can grow in maturity and wisdom would be a good idea.

If a single area is 5 or less, consider that this weakness will not improve by getting married, and it may even grow worse since we all are on our best behavior while courting.

This is not intended to be a scientific test; rather, it is a general indication of whether the love-is-blind syndrome is clouding your perceptions of your potential spouse. You can also use this test to reveal some areas you might want to work on before you tie the knot.

God desires the very best for you. Consider getting wise counsel in order to discuss these issues before you marry. Engaged people should be honest about the weaknesses they see in their potential spouses. The heartache of a broken engagement will pale in comparison to the agony of an unhappy or failed marriage. God will strengthen you to do the right thing as you seek him.

Every year in the United States, about half of all marriages end in divorce. That’s a staggering number that might be diminished if men and women more carefully chose their marriage partner.

8 Characteristics of Mr. or Ms. Right

By Julie Ferwerda

Do you ever wonder if the person you’re dating is God’s best choice of a mate for you but the answer isn’t clear?

Determining the person God wants you to spend the rest of your life with is a critical decision, one that requires putting put aside personal agendas and desires, in order to consider the most important thing: What is God trying to tell me about this relationship?

Below are some characteristics that I believe are consistent with the kind of person God would provide for you to spend your life with, assuming you are His best for someone else. It works both ways. God will not give you His best if you are not already His best for someone else. So make sure to measure yourself against these criteria as well.

PASSIONATE

Ask: Does this person seek out God willingly and eagerly on his or her own? When it comes to growing spiritually, does he/she read the Bible, pray, and go to church even without me? Does this person have a passion for God?
Remember: God’s best will have a growing relationship with Him that is genuine, fresh, and intimate in a way that is noticeably working out in their life consistently. In short, he/she won’t be able to leave God alone with or without you.

PRAY-ER

Ask: Does this person pray regularly? Does he/she easily pray with me or in front of others? Does he/she talk about personal prayer concerns and answered prayers?
Remember: A marriage without prayer is like a light bulb with no electricity. God’s best will be someone who is conversing with Him on a regular basis to obtain direction in life, intimacy with God, and to invest in the lives of others.

PURE

Ask: Is this person determined to wait until marriage to have sex? Do his/her actions match his/her words when he/she tells me he/she wants to be pure and honor God before marriage? Does this person work hard to avoid a physical relationship, avoiding the limits and demonstrating a commitment to honoring my purity above his/her own selfish interests?
Remember: I believe a great ‘barometer’ of a person’s walk with God is whether he/she tries to entice you into sexual sin or not. If he/she truly loves God and wants to be obediently set apart for Him, there won’t be any excuses, playing with fire, or compromises. This person will honor God above his/her own selfish desires, and because of that he/she will honor and love you enough to protect your body until marriage as well.

TEACHABLE

Ask: Does this person ask for help? Does he/she admit when he/she is wrong and say “I’m sorry”? Does he/she seek out godly counsel? Does he/she respect God-given authority in his/her life? Is he/she repentant and obedient in matters with God?
Remember: If a guy/gal is teachable with you and others, he/she will likely be teachable with God. There is no greater security in marriage (especially for women in the matter of submitting to their husbands) than trusting a mate who is teachable before God and seeking His will above his/her own. A man or woman who is living to please God is someone you can trust with important decisions. Also, someone who willingly gives permission to others to speak truth into his/her life is a very wise and teachable person.

HONEST

Ask: Does this person tell you the truth even when it’s hard? Does he/she communicate openly about his/her feelings, struggles, past, and failures? Does this person take responsibility for his/her actions (own up) when he/she does something wrong or hurtful? Does he/she ever twist the truth or minimize to get out of trouble or make himself/herself look better?
Remember: Counting on your partner’s word in marriage is vital. In a dating relationship, there should be all the signs of honesty and openness. The person you are dating should be willing to open up and talk about the hard areas of his/her life, he/she shouldn’t try to hide or twist truth, and he/she should take responsibility when he/she does something wrong. He/she shouldn’t even be afraid to admit when he/she messes up.

WHOLE

Ask: Does this person place his/her hopes, expectations, and emotional needs primarily in God? During difficult times does he/she try to fill up holes with the emotional support of other people (especially me)? Does he/she seem generally at peace or does he/she struggle with restlessness, addictions, or bad habits (alcohol, food issues or eating disorders, porn, drugs including prescriptions, over-spending, T.V., computer, sports, etc.)?
Remember: The person you marry cannot depend on you to make them happy, or to be there for them all the time. Watch what he/she does with pain or boredom. Does he/she avoid it, stuff it, or deal with it? Is he/she afraid to be quiet and still? You should be able to see him/her go to God with his/her emotional needs and hurts. Placing too much hope in each other or turning to anything but God with pain and boredom will eventually doom a marriage because only God can fill those “black holes.” Only God can give true comfort, hope, and security.

SURRENDERED

Ask: Is this person stubbornly pursuing his/her plans and goals, or does he/she frequently offer up his/her life to God and His plans?
Remember: If the person you marry is living for himself or herself, you are not going to have the marriage God intended for you. Someone who is surrendered to God will open up doors for a great marriage adventure in God’s plan!

FORGIVING

Ask: Does this person forgive and get over things easily? Does he/she treat people kindly who have hurt him/her in the past? Is there any area of bitterness or unforgiveness from his/her past that he/she has not dealt with that is frequently coming to the surface?
Remember: A person who can’t forgive likely hasn’t connected with God’s forgiveness toward him/her. This person will bring bitterness into your marriage which will affect you, too. People who are forgiving recognize that God is ultimately in control, which frees them up to let go of offenses and be at peace. This will work in your favor when you have marital conflict!

If, after reading over this list, you find that these traits are lacking in your own life, I encourage you to begin seeking to build these into your life. Getting into the Word and prayer daily, reading Christian help books, getting counseling if necessary, joining a Christian support group, and finding someone to encourage you or hold you accountable are all ways to get started on the path to change.

If you’re in a serious relationship where you and your significant other are both more often than not characterized by the above traits, and you still can’t determine God’s will for the future, try these steps.

• Ask for input and prayer from trusted godly advisors. These could be your pastor, parents, close friends, accountability partners, Bible study leaders, or a pre-marriage counselor.
• Pray and/or fast for answers. Setting an agreed upon time away from each other for prayer and/or fasting could be very helpful in giving you wisdom and discernment. For a great resource on fasting, read God’s Chosen Fast, by Arthur Wallis.
• Pay attention to your spirit. If you can’t say you have abiding peace about the relationship, pay attention. Peace (or lack thereof) can be one important way God is trying to tell you something.
• Wait. Perhaps God is not ready to reveal His plan for your relationship yet.

Smart Love

By Staff eHarmony.com

Everybody loves Love. The notion of being carried away by romantic passion is one of the most common storylines of film and literature. It feels good to be swept up in a rush of love and euphoria. Life looks different. Flowers smell sweeter. Food tastes better. We walk with a spring in our step.

These reactions to a new relationship are the result of chemical processes deep within the brain. They are important to relational bonding and have a powerful impact on our ability to think and make rational decisions.

In fact, love, like other primary emotions such as fear and anger, can easily overwhelm us and cloud our judgment. The key to creating a relationship that lasts past the initial "falling in love" stage is falling in love with your smarts intact. Relationship experts Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott coined the term "Smart Love" to explain the ways that singles can begin a deep emotional relationship with their eyes wide open.

Smart Love seeks a good match—Smart Love knows that for a relationship to have a good chance for success, both partners need to be similar in the important ways. The Parrotts point out that couples well matched in age, educational ambitions, intelligence, and physical attractiveness have a better chance to resolve whatever differences do occur during their relationship. Their common ground binds them together.

Smart Love pays attention to values—Smart Love carefully observes a person's actions. Discovering a person's value system is priority number one. How do they treat service personnel, like waiters? How do they treat their family? What makes them laugh? Do they often see themselves as the victim? Most people are on their best behavior while dating, and these questions are great litmus tests to reveal their true values.

Smart Love doesn't try to change others—One of the worst and most common relationship mistakes occurs when one person decides they will "fix" their date. They are aware of the flaws in their partner and decide that with enough time and "love" they can repair them. These people are often so desperate to be in a relationship that nothing can convince them that theirs is untenable. The Parrotts explain the simple proposition that, "What you see is what you get, and your chances of changing it are very slim."

Smart Love doesn't play games—The list of supposed dating rules is a mile long. Don't call her the day after you meet her. Never talk longer than ten minutes on the phone. Never accept a date for Saturday any later than Wednesday. On and on they go, turning dating into a game of cat and mouse. The best way to explore a person and consider them for a long-term relationship is to be real.

As the Parrotts say, "Games are meant to lure, even manipulate, another person into seeing you as someone you are not." The only way to build a successful relationship is to have the other person fall in love with you as you really are.

Smart Love doesn't run from conflict—The first fight of a relationship is often a cold, harsh awakening. Ever since the first date you have both been on your best behavior, smiling, flirting and basking in the glow of new love. At the end of that first serious disagreement, it is common for both parties to wonder if they should even be in the relationship. Smart Love knows the value of a good, fair, loving argument. During the heat of battle, people often reveal their weaknesses and sore spots, allowing for great growth. In fact, couples that practice effective, heartfelt communication after an argument are the couples that build successful long-term relationships.

Smart Love knows the bottom line—Smart Love has a set of personal guidelines to which it adheres, no matter what it is "feeling." Smart Love thinks through dating issues before a relationship starts, to determine its position on things like seeing other people, common courtesy, and the degree of acceptable physical expression. The Parrotts explain: "The point is to know what you want from a dating partner and where you are willing to bend, and where you are not."

The Parrotts' Smart Love concepts are about taking control of a potential relationship and not leaving things to chance. Smart Love works at building successful partnerships on a consistent basis, with firm guidelines and faith in the permanence of love. It accounts for the ebb and flow of attraction, and helps couples to anticipate change and make it their ally.

Finding True Love

By Whitney Hopler

Your girlhood dreams of becoming a princess may have become grown up dreams of finding a prince to marry – a man who’ll make you blissfully happy. But no such man exists, because no human being has the power to make your dreams come true.

That doesn’t mean you need to stop dreaming, however. You do, indeed, have a prince waiting for you. And if you discover Him, you’ll experience the greatest love of all.

Here’s how you can devote your heart to your true prince, Jesus Christ:

Don’t settle for a broken heart and shattered dreams. Even though this fallen world is full of sin that can disappoint and even destroy you, it’s also full of hope. Don’t assume that you’ll never meet a man you can trust, who’ll treat you with dignity and respect. Pass untrustworthy men by while you wait for one who’ll treat you right. Refuse to lower your standards for relationships. Pursue only the best – all that God wants for you. Don’t sink into depression when your wait takes longer than you’d like. Instead, use your time to live to the fullest, growing as a person and enjoying all God has for you while you’re single.

Place your faith in Jesus alone. Realize that it’s futile to expect a man to fulfill your deepest desires. Don’t put pressure on any man to rescue you from your circumstances and make your dreams come true. Instead, make your relationship with Jesus your top priority, and expect to see everything else in your life fall into place as a result of that relationship. Trust Jesus alone with your hopes and dreams.

Make Jesus the foundation of your life. It’s not enough to try to fit Jesus into your life; you need to fit your life around Jesus. If you just utter some quick prayers occasionally and don’t hear any reply, that doesn’t mean you need to figure life out on your own. It means that you need to deepen your relationship with Jesus so you can discover His great plans for you. Commit to wholeheartedly pursuing a relationship with Jesus – the Prince who made the ultimate romantic gesture by giving up His life to save you. Just as He gave everything for you, decide to give your all for Him, out of love. Make Jesus the center of your existence.

Turn your heart into a sanctuary. Set your heart apart from the world and guard it to become a sanctuary for the Holy Spirit to reside. Ask God to show you the trash that’s lurking inside your heart and needs to be removed to prepare a proper place for your Prince to live. As He reveals the kind of trash you need to remove – from small lies and unhealthy compromises to traumatic memories and deep bitterness – write it all down and pray about each piece of trash specifically. Don’t allow any sin to clutter up your heart. Take action to remove it however God calls you to – from apologizing to people you’ve hurt or disrespected to throwing away items that fostered sin in your life (such as seductive clothes you wore to attract unhealthy attention from men, or CDs of music that celebrated impurity). Examine your heart again regularly, making trash removal an ongoing process in your life. Whenever you notice that you’ve allowed any wrong habits to creep back into your life, or whenever you encounter a situation or relationship that needs to be made right, take action as God leads you.

Kick out other lovers. Don’t allow any person or thing in your life to take away time, thoughts, energy, or devotion that you should be giving to Jesus. Take a hard look at what you’ve been pursuing – romantic relationships, popularity, comfort, material possessions, achievements, and more – and honestly consider how your pursuit of them may be keeping you from pursuing Jesus wholeheartedly. Then eliminate activities that distract you from growing closer to Jesus, and change your goals so that your life is truly focused on Him. Don’t worry about feeling deprived by cutting out unhealthy attachments from your life. Once you pursue intimacy with Jesus above all else, you’ll discover that your relationship with Him will actually enhance every part of your life.

Change your lifestyle. Ask God to show you what practical changes you can make to your life so you’ll be better able to develop a closer relationship with Jesus – from waking up earlier each day to pray more and watching less television, to tackling a service project and making more an effort to share your faith with others.

Embrace God’s dreams for you. Be willing to give up your personal agendas in order to embrace God’s better dreams for you. Trust that God, who created you, knows what plans are best for you. Pursue His dreams for your life rather than your own.

Set your heart apart for your future husband. Make a commitment to keep yourself sexually pure as a gift not only to God, but also to the man you may eventually marry. Ask yourself: “Am I truly set apart for my future husband? Or am I just doing the bare minimum for him by putting up a few physical and/or emotional boundaries in my life?”, “Do I seek male affirmation through flirting, hugging, touching, etc.?”, “Do I draw guys’ attention by showing off my body?”, “Do I casually offer my heart, mind, emotions, and body to guys by jumping into short-term flings?”, “Do I allow my mind to fantasize about guys I’m attracted to?”, “Do I offer too much of myself to guys, even in friendships?”, “Am I willing to sacrifice pleasure, attention, affirmation, and temporary fulfillment to live a lifestyle of lily whiteness for the man I will spend the rest of my life with?”, “Am I willing to allow my faithful Lord to bring a love story into my life in His own perfect time and way?”, and “Am I willing to hand over the pen of my love story to Jesus and trust Him completely?”. Write your future husband a letter to solidify your purity decisions, and read that letter whenever you struggle with purity. Ask God to forgive your previous sins of impurity, as well as to help you heal from whatever sexual sins have been committed against you (such as through abuse). Also ask God to help your future husband live a life a sexual purity himself.

Protect your intimacy with God on a daily basis. Be alert to any and every sin that tries to encroach upon your inner sanctuary and lessen your intimacy with God. Every day, pay attention to what you’re thinking, saying, and doing, and consider whether or not that pleases God. Repent immediately of whatever doesn’t reflect the love you should have toward your true Prince.

Overcome temptation. Although you’ll often be tempted to sin, you can always resist temptation if you don’t give it an opportunity to grow in your mind. At every crucial moment of making a decision about how to respond to temptation, say “no” to it. Then the temptation will have no chance to grow, causing it to lose its power over you. Read the Bible often, and study, memorize, and meditate on its words so you can absorb its truths into your mind. Whenever you encounter temptation, the Holy Spirit will then remind you of biblical truths that will help you overcome the lies temptation tries to tell you. Don’t hesitate to pray against all forms of evil that are enticing you to cave into temptation. Identify the areas of your life where you’re most vulnerable to temptation, then use the spiritual authority you have as a Christian to pray for deliverance from evil that’s trying to harm you in those areas. Create boundaries for your behavior to protect yourself from unnecessary temptation, such as refusing to watch movies that tempt you to engage in sexual impurity or avoiding nightclubs where impure behavior surrounds you. Ask yourself: “Are there voices I need to start ignoring?”, “Are there shows or movies I need to stop watching?”, “Are there places I need to stop going?”, “Are there people I need to stop spending time with?”, “Are there certain clothes I need to stop wearing?” and “Are there songs I need to stop listening to?”. If any friendship, activity, or influence tends to draw you away from Jesus or keeps you from reflecting His purity, create a boundary around it. Guard your relationship with your true Prince, no matter what the cost, knowing that it’s always worthwhile to do so.

Don’t compromise your standards in romantic relationships. Value the high standards to which God has called you (for your own good) more than you value romance itself. Ask God to help you be willing to live a set-apart life out of love for Him, even if you never find a man who’s worth marrying. Set yourself apart for your true Prince no matter what happens in your future. Making that decision will give you the confidence and strength you need for every circumstance you’ll ever encounter. It’s better to remain single than to settle for a romantic relationship with a man who doesn’t treat you as God wants you to be treated. But be assured that many worthwhile men do exist. Look for men who enjoy intimate relationships with Jesus and show integrity, compassion, courage, and selfless love – men who will help you protect your inner sanctuary. Pursue a romantic relationship that draws you closer to Jesus, while avoiding those that draw you farther away from Jesus.

Cultivate ongoing intimacy with God. Your relationship with God doesn’t have limits. There’s always more you can learn about Him, always more to worship in Him, and always more to experience with Him. Develop a lifestyle that helps you constantly grow closer to God. Study the Bible often. Write your prayers down in a journal, like personal letters to your true Prince, and write down His responses to your prayers. Read great Christian literature to learn how to deepen your relationship with God. View every challenge as an opportunity to grow closer to God and every triumph as an opportunity to praise God.

Delight in God. Learn how to notice God’s constant presence with you, and delight in Him moment by moment. Ask Him to help you speak and listen to Him no matter where you are or what you’re doing. Develop a quiet mind. Cultivate a heart of worship. Meditate on the Bible. As you walk through each day with God rather than just representing Him, you’ll experience unshakable peace and strength in every situation.

Pursue healing if you’ve had your heart broken. It’s crucial to heal from a broken heart before you can be ready for true intimacy – both with God and with your future spouse. Ask God to reveal what mistakes you made in the broken relationship, and to help you learn from them. Forgive yourself and the person who hurt you. Ask God to give you His perspective on what you’ve gone through, and to help you see yourself as He sees you – someone who is extremely valuable and deeply loved. Find some people you can trust to talk through issues and encourage you as you deal with pain while going through the healing process.

Build spiritual oneness with a potential romantic partner. Don’t rush into romance with any man, no matter how promising he seems. First, savor a season of friendship, getting to know each other well without the pressure of romance. Keep an open hand, refusing to hold on to the relationship too tightly. Trust God to do whatever He sees fit with the relationship, remembering that He wants the absolute best for both of you.

When the Princess Is Ready, the Prince Will Appear

By Dr. David B. Hawkins

We are all familiar with the story of the lovely and kind young girl, Cinderella, who lived with her step mother and two, not so lovely or kind, stepsisters.

In the story, the King and Queen, anxious for their son to marry, arranged a Ball, inviting all the eligible maidens from the kingdom to attend. With such a variety of maidens to choose from, surely, one of them would catch the Prince’s eye!

The invitation arrived at Cinderella’s house causing a flurry of excitement. But Cinderella’s excitement was quickly doused by her stepsisters’ snide remarks.

“Cinderella,” they said with disdain, “what are you so excited about? You can’t go. What are you going to wear? That?” With an audible sniff, they turned and walked off..

Days passed, and finally the evening of the ball arrived. The less than lovely stepsisters paraded around in their over-the-top finery, taking great delight in taunting Cinderella. They flounced into their coach and off to the ball, leaving Cinderella behind. Although her disappointment was great, her spirit wasn’t shattered.

Enter one fairy godmother, who, after quickly assessing the situation, transformed Cinderella’s rags into a knock-your-socks-off designer gown, complete with perfectly formed glass slippers. The magic continued as the Fairy Godmother transformed a pumpkin into a golden carriage. Cinderella stepped into the carriage offering a dazzling smile of gratitude and a hug. With a quick reminder that the magic would end at the stroke of midnight (an effective curfew technique) Cinderella was off to the Ball.

Cinderella was enchanting, and quickly caught the Prince’s eye. They danced and danced, caught up in the magic. The chime of the clock announcing the arrival of midnight, broke the spell, and Cinderella quickly fled the Ball before she was transformed back into her rags. The prince chased after her, but found nothing but a glass slipper, the only clue to her identity.

Dejected, he set out to find the owner of the slipper. Visiting every home in the kingdom, he tried the delicate slipper on the foot of each eligible maiden. He finally arrived at the home of Cinderella and her two less than lovely stepsisters. Of course the shoe did not fit either of the step sisters, as you can only imagine that their feet were less than lovely too. Cinderella approached the prince for her turn to try on the slipper. Filled with fear that the shoe might fit, the sisters knocked it to the floor, shattering the only clue to the future princess’ identity. The Prince was filled with a combination of anger and loss, but Cinderella, gently touched him on the shoulder, and pulled out the mate. She slipped her foot in, a perfect fit.

Don’t you just love a good fairy tale? Certainly, this could never happen in real life, you say. Not so quick. There are some important considerations for us in this tale.

Cinderella had taken a lifetime to ready herself for the opportunity at the ball. Each of us is in the same situation – those times when preparation meets opportunity. You may initially scoff at my suggestion that if you make the proper preparations, your prince will come. “It’s just a fairy tale. These kinds of things don’t happen in real life.”

Now I understand that the story of Cinderella is just that – a story. That does not mean, however, that we cannot learn from it. You, too, must find a way to convert your weaknesses into strengths, failures into successes, challenges into opportunities.

Any rags, pumpkins, or stray mice lying around?

Let’s look together at the preparations you must make. And by the way, you, too, have a protector – the Holy Spirit – who will help you make the necessary alterations.

Preparing Your Attitude. What is the necessary attitude needed to become a princess? You must have the conviction that you deserve a prince of a man.

It surprises me how many women have attitudes of discouragement and pessimism.

You must believe that you can find a good man, that you deserve a good man, and that you can attract a good man. You must make yourself available and take the risks necessary to attract your prince. If you are not at that point yet, don’t despair. You simply have some work to do.

Preparing Your Expectations. Unlike Cinderella, you have no magic wand. Your preparation must interact with God’s timing. That means you must guard your expectations about timing. It may take time, and testing, before you are ready for your prince.

It is important to expect a man who will work on the relationship with you, who will strive to deepen his emotional and spiritual life, and who will commit himself to you completely and faithfully. Too many women settle for too little from their men. Consider raising the bar. Settle for nothing less than a relationship filled with zest, emotional warmth, spiritual integrity, and, yes, commitment.

Preparing Your Presentation. A princess is not overly demanding, arrogant, or critical. She is elegant and classy. She has a way of insisting on what she needs and being clear when expressing her needs and desires.

Katherine, a client of mine, is a woman in her 50s. She has an air of confidence and a bold, spiritual depth. Previously married, Katherine has grappled with painful aspects of her divorce. She suffered as people within the church said hurtful things about her. But she always carried herself with dignity. She survived the divorce and gradually moved into dating.

Katherine shares about her experience.

“After my divorce I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. I was bitter, angry. I had lots of resentment toward my ex and toward men. Even after I started dating, I didn’t put my best foot forward, and attracted the wrong kind of men. It took me really forgiving myself for the failed marriage and allowing God to heal my hurt. I changed my attitude and my wardrobe, and that’s when miracles started to happen.”

Katherine married recently, having met a minister who had been widowed several years earlier. Today they enjoy a vibrant and dynamic ministry.

Preparing Your Vision. After you’ve prepared your attitude, clarified your expectations and honed your presentation, you’ll need a firm vision. A firm vision is a picture you carry in your mind of your prince.

A client named Joan shares her vision. “I want a Christian man who is loving, tender and kind. He needs to be athletic, love children and be interested in travel. He needs to be compassionate and have a heart for the hurting and less fortunate in the world.”

Studies show that the more clearly and precisely you describe your vision, the more likely you are to achieve it. Envision the kind of man you want. Prayerfully share with the Lord the dreams you have and let Him help you with the rest.

Preparing Your Heart. Having prepared your attitude, expectations, presentation and vision, you must make sure your heart is right. The scriptures encourage us to “Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4: 23). This is a huge challenge, for it seems we either allow our hearts to be battered and bruised, lock them in a vault, safe and secure from any possible intruder.

The task is to take healthy, discerning risks. If you have learned from experience, made corrections to your attitude, spent time in the Word, listened to God’s voice through the counsel of healthy friends – you can take calculated risks in your dating life.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11).

When the princess is ready, the prince will appear. Is that a gilded carriage I hear approaching?